Speaking of assholes.....

[DOC]

Oh, we weren't speaking of assholes? Sorry, because right now my ASSHOLE is all I can think about.

You might notice by the time of this post it is almost 1:30 in the morning, and why am I up? My asshole!

You see my last check up with my doctor he said, "You're going to be 60 in April and you have never had a colonoscopy, and I am going to schedule you for one."

Now I have read about colonoscopies, I know what they are, I know with my family's history of cancer, it is probably a good idea, but, I DON'T WANT TO!

He schedules me with Dr. Defon, because apparently my Doctor doesn't do assholes, but Dr. Defon is apparently an expert on assholes and apparently attended one of the finest medical schools in INDIA, where he did extensive study on the subject of assholes. So during the day Dr. Defon does assholes, and I am sure in the evening he has a part time job, because I could swear I bought a Slurpee and a Slim Jim from him two weeks ago at the corner 7-11

So I have my appointment for my asshole "procedure" on Monday at 4 pm.

Dr. Defon says I must get this junk at the pharmacy, and follow the instruction sheet he is going to give me very carefully. He says the procedure is nothing, and that they will give me some nice drugs to knock me out and I won't experience any discomfort. Sounds good to me!

Now I start reading this sheet, after picking up a bottle that has some powder in it from the pharmacy along with some Ducolax pills. PROCEDURE is MONDAY, BUT I am supposed to take 4 DUCOLAX PILLS today, Saturday!

For those of you not familiar with Ducolax pills. Apparently they take about 4 hours to work, during which time they proceed to liquify everything in your colon, make it smell like something dead, give you cramps like you are going to turn into a woman and start your period, and make you go to the bathroom non-stop from, well 8 pm until now and beyond.

That's why it's after 1:30 am and I am still up. I just got through passing a dime I swallowed when I was three years old. HEY it's silver!

My asshole already feels like I have passed a bale of barbed wire. But wait, there's more.

SUNDAY I am supposed to start a totally clear diet. You know, the chicken broth, jello, 7 up, popsicles as long as they are not red or orange. Tomorrow I mix this gallon container of powder with water. Yes it is a whole gallon, which in metric is around 532 liters. This stuff plainly states that it is designed to cause violent diarrhea. WHY in God's name would anyone take anything that promises this? If you did this at GITMO, you would be brought up on charges. In fact, could I just be water boarded instead of drinking this crap?

I am supposed to drink a glass full every 15 minutes. until I am basically passing clear liquid, or Walking Liberty quarters, whichever comes first, but only 1/2 the gallon. So this is my fun plans for Sunday.

Monday, I am supposed to stop eating everything. No jello, I can have water and 7 up, and then I have to drink the other 1/2 gallon, again a glass full every 15 minutes until my large intestine just falls out of my asshole into the toilet. I then just examine it myself to make sure everything is OK, and wash it off with soap and water.

Apparently the only reason I have to then go to the doctor is so he can stuff the damn thing back up my ASSHOLE!

These drugs they give me better really be good.

I'm sorry for posting this, I guess I am just an asshole.

Doc

[howard farris]

HI Doc, I can only imagine how much you are looking forward to all this but the procedure ain't too bad. Not nearly as bad as the prep. Let us know how everything comes out. Oops bad choice of words. I'll be thinking of you and wish you the best.

[grubstake]

Hey DOC, make sure, if you have the upper-GI also, that he use's a diffeent scope, than he does for the ASSHOLE procedure. You know, if he mess's this up, he will have his motel 8 and 7-11 taken away! Grubstake Word of advice! If you get a prostrate exam done, make sure, very sure! That he doesn't put both hands on your shoulder when doing it! Ha! Ha!

[Judd]

DOC,

Been there done that. They found and removed 4 polups from me (no cancer) but have to do it every three years from now on. Your Dr. Drfon could care less about your assshole he just doesn't want to wade through your crap. I hear that some doctors do the procedure when your awake. I highly recommend they put you out. You know, this Dr. Defon could be considered a miner of sorts. Just hope he doesn't find anything.

GOOD LUCK.

Judd

[Judd]

Oh DOC,

One more thing. I asked the doctor who did mine, if he would give me a note for my wife telling her that he didn't find my head up there.

You never know when a note like that might come in handy.

Judd

[Dakota Slim]

Have a nice day DOC. Drink plenty of fluids. REMEMBER that AIDS is much more contagious than has previously been reported. You can get it from even listening to assholes!

[El Dorado]

Love your write up. After having been through this numerous times myself, it's great to see a humorous description! Yes, the drugs are great but the prep for the procedure is medical torture! I do know an easier method, it was proven to me in Brazil. Eat a bad mango, not only will it clean you out, you will be able to poop 10 times further than you can pee!

Good luck

[whats4supper]

it's really not that bad. the modern procedure is vastly easier than the old procedure. diet a bit, do the cleanout, drink the antifreeze. DON'T EAT anything after the antifreeze wash out. then get stuck with a tube at both ends WHILE you are sleeping. go home and sleep it off, eat soup or soft foods.

while you are sleeping, they may even cut some stuff out. you won't feel a thing.

the old way included 8 pills, cramps and more cramps, Gramps. you were awake during the procedure which included a barium enema that you had to physically hold in, and had to move around in variable positions with all these people gawking and making you laugh, which didn't work well with holding 'it' in. you felt every move, and any cut or movement with another tube also inserted at the time for biopsy. it was rough baby, and then you had to make it to the bathroom without spilling it all over the floor and wading around in it. afterwards it was more cramps, Gramps for a day or two, couldn't eat nothing either. like a goose passing liver.

No, the modern way inspects both the colon and the stomach, esophagus, small intestine, and not much problem or feeling.

Another procedure that is a little tough are for those that have stricture of the esophagus. that's where things get stuck while trying to swallow food. there you have to have a balloon shoved down your throat, that swells and enlarges the narrow spot(s). there is some risk for rupture, so the procedure works gradually over time, say 3-6 week intervals. periodically, you have to go back and have more stretching. sometimes it hurts afterwards for a few days. Choking to death on stuff isn't at all pleasant. with me, it's usually muchy stuff like salad, mashed potatoes, bread, french toast, rice is the worst, tacos..., sometimes one cannot even pass saliva or water. it shakes a guy up. for hours.

Count your blessings that it's just a simple inspection, easy, both ends, and maybe a prescription for protonix or nexium

[grubstake]

Steve, are you trying to say, that bad mangos, make you stand flat footed and then you can crap through a key hole? Grubstake

[El Dorado]

Easily!

[Gilaoro]

Fox news had a DR on this am saying that Colonoscopsy,s and PSA tests are mostly unnessary and the stuff they give you to drink can destroy your kidneys. he said most men over 60 will get some form of postate cancer eventualy and even if you do you will likley not die from it but from something else and that DRs do entirely to many tests.

I agree!

Max

[DOC]

I can certainly beleive it can damage your kidneys because it has devastated my asshole. As for the PSA tests, they draw blood. It's no big deal. And there are different kinds of prostate cancers and the aggressive ones can take you before your time.

I'm doing this one time, and that's it. If everything is OK, and there are no polyps, this is the first and last time my ass will be invaded.

Doc

[Hawkeye]

Doc

The worst is over, I have had three of them in the last 5 years and the worst part is by far the prep the night before. However my Doc only had me drink this nasty crap the night before, but you better be near a bathroom within next thirty minutes of drinking it and bring a book because you will be there a while. El Dorado, that is about one of the best analogies I have heard.

Good luck Doc

Wes

[~LARGO~]

Hey Doc,

Oh, you have reached "that" milestone! Congratulations!

When I got my "colonic viewing", I crawled up on the gurney with my

peekaboo, no back blue gown, with no zipper in the necessary place.

This little gal, right at 300 pounds, outfitted with a full clear face shield, and rubber

gauntlets up past her elbows and just a head taller than the gurney was high,

says, sir, I need to roll over on your left side, and then we will start the

sleepy water, so you can be relaxed during the procedure.

My name is nurse ....

and I will be ASSisting the doctor. Yeah right, ASSist. You are going to do

the rootin' ducking, and the doc is going to watch the viewer monitor, and

give instructions on the whole procedure

from behind a protective spatter screen.

It's not a procedure that one

that is a little bashful will look forward to.

Hope everything works out for you, Doc.

~LARGO~

[burta]

Hey doc; The worst is over. It's the two days before that tens to make one ow lie. When you get home tomorrow it will be nothing but blue skies here on out. Doc, hope you wash your hands before you box up my new shoes. AL. C

[grubstake]

Thats not that bad, I've had a couple of them, the one I don't like, is when the uralogist takes a 12 inch long scope and works it in to look inside your bladder for stones. Now that one is bad. Also everytime I have a stent put in my heart at the cathlab, they shave you, I usally have a woman , the last one told me it will be quick, and by the way she says: My name is Bobbitt. , whats worse is when you have to stay in ICU and they catherise you, it feels like you got to go all the time. I woke up once and my wife was there, I said: honey get me a urinal, I have got to go, she said: You got got a catheter in you, your already going. I looked and sure as hell I had one, but then I had been in ICU for 4 days, and to me it seemed like I just got there. Grubstake But then until you have had amebic dissentary like I had in Nam. You aint had nothing.

[DOC]

Al did you order boots? Or am I having a senior moment?

DOC

Hey doc; The worst is over. It's the two days before that tens to make one ow lie. When you get home tomorrow it will be nothing but blue skies here on out. Doc, hope you wash your hands before you box up my new shoes. AL. C

[FlakMagnet]

DOC,

There is no doubt that is is a weird procedure

at least when you try to imagine it.

I don't remember that it hurt.

I have not gotten a second one though

and it's been about seven years.

hmmm.

I'd like to think they're overrated,

but since I'm not sure,

I'll probably get another one soon.

Flak

[Ridge Runner]

We joke about lots of things but this is one thing that could save your life.What do you think would be the best keeping your butt hole where it belongs are looking at it on the side of your body for the rest of your life??? When some body said they are going to kick your ass you would have to tell them you had it moved.

I've had it done about 4 times and I can't say it's the most fun I've had in my life but it could save it.Men need to get check for everything that may cause a man trouble.Then when it's over get down and thank God your not a woman.

Chuck Anders

[FlakMagnet]

We joke about lots of things but this is one thing that could save your life.What do you think would be the best keeping your butt hole where it belongs are looking at it on the side of your body for the rest of your life??? When some body said they are going to kick your ass your would have to tell them you had it moved.

I've had it done about 4 times and I can't say it's the most fun I've had in my life but it could save it.Men need to get check for everything that may cause a man trouble.Then when it's over get down and thank God your not a woman.

Chuck Anders

Amen Chuck.

Flak

[El Dorado]

After action report?

[grubstake]

Steve, he's too weak after that clean out, he use to weight 160 now he only weighs 50 poundsTroy. After washing out all the BullS*** Grubstake HA! Ha! Gotcha DOC!

[whats4supper]

Steve, he's too weak after that clean out, he use to weight 160 now he only weighs 50 poundsTroy. After washing out all the BullS*** Grubstake HA! Ha! Gotcha DOC!

maybe now his hair will start growing back

[Allen in MT]

Yup., had mine done some years back, last check up the doc says that I have a couple of years left before I should get it done again . Got another check up tomorrow, (the VA does 2 a year) and I think it is the spring check that I get the fickle finger of fate test and this guy wears a size 14 wedding ring. Asked about doing the blood test and he said that is not very accurate.

Anyway back to the camcorder snake, I can remember the whole incident and even watched it on the screen , they even asked me If I wanted a copy of the video, no thanks. Told me to tell my wife that I wasn't full of shit as she thought . You know Doc that they use an air hose in the procedure also and there is alot of uncontrollable gas as the drugs wear off . Guess you know that by now. Hope the snake didn't run into any obsticals on it's journey.

take care.

Allen in MT

[hendo]

Doc, now do you feel like a hand puppet?(Seriously, we feel your pain!) Hendo